Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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