I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
