Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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