Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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