I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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