i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
