i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
