it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
