If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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