Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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