I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
