I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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