i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
