I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize