Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
