Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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