no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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