I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
