Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
They left me at home... I'm a liability
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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