well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
