Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We need a shit load of segways right now
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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