So drunk its hurt
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize