Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
