you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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