i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
