You just made me feel so damn special
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
