I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
