Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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