You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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