You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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