The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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