I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
