im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just had sex on a roof
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He has the fingertips of a God
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