Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just gift wrapped bread.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
