i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
