I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize
