i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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