You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
