you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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