I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Two words: nipple clamps
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