I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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