I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
