totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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