So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Randomize
