there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
