i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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