You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
