Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize
