you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
