I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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