i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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