have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
