Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
