I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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