the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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