sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
