too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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