the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
