Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
