you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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